1. Do not be afraid to change life trajectories.
Many people ask what is worse - a child abandoned by a working mother, or a child who only sees a mother tortured by domestic worries. There is an opinion that you need to choose - either self-realization or children.
In fact, if you are sitting with children and you are bored and ill - change the situation. If you went to work for a full day, and you are uncomfortable and tormented by the conscience that you abandoned the child, again change the situation This does not mean that you need to give up work. Simply, there is a field for reflection and creativity - think about what kind of work you need and what degree of employment. You need to respond to your inner dissatisfaction. Emotions - our main guide.
A person becomes happier when different parts of his soul and mind agree among themselves. There is no need to suppress any part of oneself, neither with children, nor spouses, nor work. Be more sensitive to yourself, get rid of sketchy arguments: either pans or success in society. Such simplifications are not about real life with feelings and the will to change. Do not be afraid to take risks and change your life trajectories..
2. Do not wait for a miracle
One mom once asked: “If dad returns home fifteen minutes before the boy goes to bed, how can they be contacted?” They can get in contact. But he will not be able to become a full-fledged dad for this child in fifteen minutes a day..
In the memory of the child will remain mother, grandmothers, aunts, nannies and their attitudes, characters, way of thinking and attitude to the world - but not father's. Because a lot of things are transmitted to the child not through direct speech, but through observation of relatives and their relationships. And then children reproduce these relationships in their lives. Therefore, unfortunately, such a boy will not be able to fully raise his son afterwards, he simply will not know how - after all, his dad did not educate him. There are no miracles.
3. Do not force yourself to play with your child.
Until school age, the main way of a child’s existence is play. But it is not important how many hours and minutes you spend with him, but the quality of your games with him. Do not force yourself to play with the child through force. He feels and hears that you are bored with him. Look for what you are interested in doing with your child..
In addition to joint games, the child should be able to independently engage and play. “I do it myself”, “I make it up myself” goes further into the “I myself think” You can not build for him the course of his thoughts. Therefore, it is important that there is not only “we are together”, but also “I myself”. We need to let go so that he will always stop relying on his mother: what should I do now? And what to do? It is important to gently remove yourself from the game so that the child plays himself..
Moreover, parents should not say “we” about the child’s actions. "We went to kindergarten," "we went to the second grade," "we are preparing for going to school," and then "we went to college." It is important for children to distinguish between where "we are with mother" and where "I".
4. Do not "bring up" the child
The child is often brought up on the basis of what is considered the main mom and dad, from their ideas about how the child should behave and how his life should be organized. Undoubtedly, the child needs to ensure safety and in many ways to limit, if only so that he does not fall out of the window from the sixth floor and know how to cross the road.
It is important that he eat, sleep and be accustomed to the pot. But for emotional contact with a child, this is not enough. To understand a child means to understand what he wants, what is difficult for him, what is completely impossible for him, what he dreams about and what is important for him. Often, children find their desires in harsh forms: “I do not want to sleep,” “I want ice cream,” “I want you not to go to work.”.
All these direct “I want” and “I do not want” are actually reproduction with a different sign of parental “necessary”, which we call upbringing. We need him to sleep and eat on time, we need to work. And what does he need? I will say, maybe, sharply and paradoxically: if you want to establish spiritual contact with the child, stop raising him.
5. Do not be always right
Most often, education in our parental practice is training. We say: do this. If the child does not do this, we will correct it. That is, manage it. At best, your perseverance works: "Read, read, read - this is necessary." In the worst case, intimidation: “If you plug into a computer, you will become addicted, like alcoholics ... If you don’t study well, you will be kicked out of school and you will sweep the streets”. Our upbringing gives the child the form we need, and criticism, intimidation and punishment freeze this form: “It’s impossible!”, “It’s necessary!”.
If the child made a mistake, we are in a hurry to fix it first: “Well, you know how to fold, we taught ...”. And you take and make a mistake on purpose, write to the first grader: 2 + 5 = 6. How happy your child will be that parents are wrong too! Children are used to being controlled, they are being crushed. And they themselves - nothing. Do not teach a child - play with him. After all, in fact, in a child miraculously from birth, a lot of healthy energy is laid. He mostly develops himself. Already a year the child is a person. And you need to respect his interests and give him the opportunity to self-determination..
6. Do not stop - let him go where he wants
We nervously stretch tights on a child because we are late in kindergarten. And he sits lounging and thinking about something else. Because he already knows: he will be dressed, led, handed over - when and where to parents. It will form. And what does he want? What are his interests? Ask him while he is small - he will tell you everything. Otherwise, later it will be too late - in adolescence he will already hide his interests from you - he is used to being educated, not the subject of building his own life.
The motivation of the child, his interests must be observed as the pupil of the eye and developed. The ability and ability to find oneself is the secret of a happy person. The child wants something all the time, and if you throw food for his interests, he will take the path of happiness. Let the child find himself and do not panic: “Oh – oh! Where did he go to look for himself? Let him go. A two-year-old child still does not know how to pronounce “s”, but already says: I am a sham!
7. Do not frighten the cruel world
Often I hear such a question: “You, Yulia Borisovna, preach humanism and respect for the child. And our society preaches violence, cruelty and cunning. And if the child is home only white and fluffy, then how will he prepare at least for the school where the suppression and order system work?
I have an answer to such questions. The more intact the child leaves the house in the world, the more he is prepared and strengthened. The more he was understood and respected, the more he was able to realize his interests, the better his self-determination developed, the more his ability to resist would be developed, that is, his resistance in harsh conditions would be developed. And vice versa: if you are hard raising a child, he is weakened when entering the world.
8. And do not forget to talk about feelings.
Studies show that the development of so-called emotional intelligence is of great importance for how successfully the child will be able to cope with difficult situations in the future. To develop emotional intelligence in children, it is necessary to use a vocabulary of emotions in communication..
Use words that describe your state and condition of the child more often, call different experiences, affects and feelings by your own names. Emotions of a child should be listened to and voiced by him: “you want”, “you are not happy”, “you are angry”, “you are crying”, “you really, really want ice cream, and I forbade you, and you are upset because of it ".
Tell the child about himself, about his states, the dynamics of his experiences. Translate children's tantrums and manipulations into a conversation about his feelings. But do it not with irritation, but with understanding. And do not ask: “Why do not you listen? But we agreed…". The child most likely does not know the answer to these questions. And you just lock the emotional contact, transferring the conversation with him to the logical level.
And do not forget to convey your feelings to him: “You are now refusing to dress, and it upsets me very much,” “I am very sorry that I can’t allow you a tenth ice cream” (there is also a spark of humor).
9. Do not admonish
“You yourself promised that this is the last cartoon!” This “same” is called admonition, and it is very harmful. It is better not to prohibit anything unconditionally, but to introduce a rule. The rules do not discuss and do not bargain for them..
The child says: "I do not want to go to bed." Go to meet his mood: “Do you not want to sleep? And you are very upset that we have such a rule? It would be better if there were no such rules! Yes, some rules are very nasty ... But I can’t do anything about it, because this is a rule. ” Such a conversation will make life easier for everyone..
“You know that cars are only possible for a birthday party” - this is another admonition. If the child needs something, do not enter into negotiations, do not dispute his words, but put restrictions on him. And most importantly, do not read him the notations, just understand him: “You really need a machine. You really want her. Now I have no opportunity. But I will remember that you need this ".
But do not forget that, apart from the rules, children should have rights. If the child does not get what he really needs, he will break your rules, argue, lie and hide. He will respect your rules if you respect his motives and rights..
10. Do not replace the real world with gadgets.
The peculiarity of new technologies is that they provide instant feedback. That is, a child grown on gadgets is not used to the fact that the reaction to his actions may be delayed, postponed. Another feature: this interaction is physically limited..
With gadgets, small hands manipulations bring a huge flow of information. As a result, they do not provide an opportunity to study the physical laws of interaction of objects. And the third characteristic feature of new technologies: emotional relationships in computer games and social networks are scanty, limited to given forms..
A parent should understand the wealth of the real world and its parameters. Understand which of these parameters in technologies are cut down. When you limit the interaction of children with gadgets, fill the vacant time with activities in which the child will receive what the technology does not give him.
Mobile activities, real actions with objects, emotional communication with mom and dad - special attention should be paid to this. In social networks there is no smell, no touch, no intonation. If you share emotions with your child, instill in him a taste for the real world, then by the time he goes to school, the limits of gadgets will be well known to him. And he himself does not want to sit on the phone for more than half an hour.